Sunday, December 11th, 2022 - A Merry Day
Today I’m spending time by myself in Seattle. The weather is a bit gloomy, but I like it a lot. It’s been a while since last time I enjoyed cold weather, and I missed it somewhat. There are a few things I was mulling over: dating, life, vocation, pain, suffering, happiness, marriage, life experiences, etc.
“Vocation. What is it?,” I wonder?
It’s a called from God. Period. At the beginning of my Christian vocation, I was very happy, deeply happy. I thought I was invincible, unstoppable, unshakable by hardship, difficulties in life, but boy was I wrong! Turned out I was really weak. I was hurt by the slightest rejections, totally tolerable embarrassment, and unavoidable misunderstanding.
A few days ago I thought of leaving it because it was so damn difficult, so I was so hurt. I wanted to leave it all together, and go off by myself in my little selfish world, where there is no real love but only pride and loneliness, and the devil exchanges them for a life of comfort and ease, a life without a fight with ever-increasing stability and luxury.
I always knew that receiving a vocation from God and accepting it would come much sufferings, but I just never knew it could be very difficult, especially when you just thought about but never actually went through it.
Before I thought God promised things would be smoothly-sailing when I received his gift of vocation, that I’d marry a beautiful wife, have an amazing family, beautiful kids, make a shit ton of money, and live life happily forever after. But that is not just how it works, not at all.
I realized that I would have to go through a lot with pain, and still have to carry on and carry the weight of responsibility because I was called.
It was by no mean easy. I could actually have a normal happy life without my vocation. Why did I get involved with this shit? Because I was called to love. Simple as that.
It is hard, very hard. Some days I just want to run away, and I did, but I have to crawl back now to respond to his love, simply because I want to. There is no other option for me. I have to carry it until the end, for love. I don’t expect anything in return, although I hope the reward will be abundant.
Lord, I love you, even though I don’t feel like it. Give me grace to love me a bit more. Give me just a bit more strength to endure until the end. Simple because you are worthwhile my Lord and my God.