Not sure why I wanted to write something today. But I do. I want to write something for myself to reflect the past year. This year has been particularly challenging despite so many good things happened. I got my parents a house, moved to a new role with a nice promotion and a big bonus, made so many new friends, and finally am living by myself.
But why am I not there yet? There are moments where I felt truly alive, but there are moments my life felt so dark, so lonely, like nobody would understand me, and I can’t seem to be able to explain.
I guess I placed my expectation in the wrong place. You know, ever since I received my Christian vocation within the Catholic church, I’ve always desired to have a wife, to love her with all my beings and to raise a beautiful family according to God’s desire. I always thought of myself as a person capable of deep love.
But boy was I wrong! Things are not panning out very well in my love life. I’ve been rejected multiple times. It’s not the rejections that hurt me the most, actually, but the expectation that God will fulfill my wishes somehow and he would send one along very soon that did. I doubted myself many times in the past month, that I’m not good enough, that people just don’t want an Asian dude, etc.
The past few days I have learned to let go of the idea that I should be married by a certain time that I would meet a nice lady, and that I would have children by that time. It might or might not happen actually, and I don’t know if I care that much anymore. I sort of let God take control of my love life.
But one thing I do know very clearly though, I can live a happy fulfilled single life with God’s grace. I actually proved that to be the case for most of the past few years for myself. Will there be moments of temptation, of loneliness, of heartbreak, of anguish, of pain? Of course, in fact, I know it will come soon, maybe as soon as tomorrow. But I accepted the fact that it will happen, so I’m able to let go, and I found that liberating.
Another truth that I’m able to synthesize, although I knew it a long time, is that I’m not that important to be honest, and that nobody really cares that much about me except God. Knowing that I’m not very important gives me the freedom to be myself because at the end of the day, nobody is going to remember. My mistakes will be forgiven. My stupidity will be forgotten. This is not to say that I will act recklessly, but I will not fear to be a bit more of myself when I’m with other.
Just a note to look back! Remember you’re strong and adaptable, that you love life deeply, that at some point in the past you wanted to give youself away completely to God, holding nothing back for yourself. I know your love has been dying, but I beg you to pick yourself up, to love again. Because no matter what happened, no matter how many sins you committed, no matter how serious they are, you are the son of God, and God loves you deeply. So just wait for little while, just a bit more, don’t give up just yet. You’ll be able to love again.
Sincerely yours,